So my girlfriend really did get a new job and is making, well, in the interests of me wanting to keep her as my girlfriend I’m just going to say she’s making more money than I am.
However, in some ways that doesn’t say a whole lot.
I don’t make a lot of money to begin with.
We did go to a Halloween party and one of her friends did bust my balls with that question. I didn’t go with the sugar dick response.
I wanted to. But we were at a Halloween party hosted by one of her relatives. Haven’t I alienated enough people already?
(The answer is yes.)
In the interests of being honest, my dick is not made of sugar. It just happened to be the first thing that came to mind.
That is a true story. My brain was in overdrive when I stumbled into the bathroom to do my business. That’s why I hate getting up once I go to sleep. There’s been a lot of times my brain stays wide awake even when it should be in REM sleep.
Thankfully, I got back to sleep without much duress.
My brain typically isn’t that funny during these bathroom runs. It’s usually thinking about zombies or vampires or sex. (Not sex with zombies and/or vampires, however.) I took most of the day off yesterday. There wasn’t a lot of joke writing or creative output. Perhaps that’s the reason for the sudden eruption of odd humor.
Perhaps I can replicate the process to get even funnier jokes?
I woke up at 4 am and couldn’t get back to sleep.
However, all was not lost. This joke was the first thing that came to mind. It emerged out of the ether. Being sleep deprived doesn’t guarantee creativity, but there may be some sort of connection.
There was a kid in middle school who thought he was George Carlin. The big difference was his belt size was larger than his IQ. The thing about that kind of kid (or adult) they don’t have the capacity to see how toxically stupid they are.
He must have picked up the word homo sapien somewhere. And like some pimply Inquisitor went around the class asking them that dreaded question.
I like to think he got a shot of smarts from his doctor. On the other hand, I wouldn’t be too disappointed if he someday takes my order at Arby’s.
I just came to this epiphany a few minutes ago. I never had central air, and I’m all over it. This new iPad Pro doesn’t suck either, my friends. My girlfriend is jealous of it.
That’s only natural, it’s tough to compete with Apple.
Add Netflix into the mix and I can easily spend the day in bed.
Thankfully I have a little voice in my head (maybe it’s the voice from one of my past therapists?) saying, “Andy, such is the path to crazy. Stop it!”
Now that I did this comic I’m heading back to the warm embrace of my Netflixy bed.
So, here we are. I don’t know why I decided to do a comic about being white. Being in America it’s difficult not to think about it at times.
When I’ve done stand-up comedy a fair amount of my act is about race. A good portion is about sex, too.
But I digress.
I’m one of those invisible minorities. If I keep my mouth shut no one would know I should be on the train to the gulag/re-education camp. Being an invisible minority gives me a behind the scenes look at what some white people think. What they say when there are only white people around.
I’m happy to say I don’t have too many OMG! That’s racist! stories. However, even a cursory look at the data shows that, yes, Virginia, racism is a thing.
Dan Carlin is podcaster who does a great show called Hardcore History. Six episodes were dedicated to World War I (1914-1918). If you want to curl up and enjoy some historically based horror, I recommend listening.
I spent some time in management when I was younger. One of the themes I saw played out was “Don’t give the pee-ons more money. Make them feel appreciated and special.”
In other words, make them feel good for being team players.
I’ve been on teams. I’ve done well on teams. And most of the time I was asked to be a team player I asked myself “Am I being played?” There were times I did do extra work. Other times I said no. But to automatically say Yes! all the time is a surefire way to make sure everyone thinks you’re a sucker.
You have to surround yourself with good people. They are like border collies who will nip at my ankles when (not if) I’m doing something stupid.
Did you know border collies nip at the legs of sheep to herd them? Now you do.
And the thing is I can’t just have one person nipping at me. That would burn one person out quickly. I need a gaggle — a team — to keep me from, well, being too much me. Too much me turns out to be bad. I need to keep it Baby Bear me. Not too hard. Not too soft.
I think Aristotle said something like that.
Hopefully, you enjoyed this little cul-de-sac of thinking.
Thanks for reading.
I was listening to the Joe Rogan podcast the other day. The guest was Professor Jordan Peterson. Now, I actually was in a class Dr. Peterson taught and he was an incredible teacher.
However, you find out sooner or later that you don’t agree with everything your heroes say. Sometimes you find out you don’t agree with a lot of stuff.
On the podcast, Dr. Peterson voiced the opinion he couldn’t see how anyone would be pro-Marxist. I humbly suggest he watch Victorian Slum House for a few episodes.
Reasons why I work out:
- Listen to podcasts.
- Avoid “real” work.
- I like to take my body-shame out for a walk.
Looking at me you wouldn’t think I’m incredibly overweight. However, my doctor knows the sordid truth. He’s a good guy. He likes to cross the t’s and dot the i’s. So much so that after my last physical he emailed me the results.
- Blood pressure – Good
- Cholesterol – Good
- Fat – AWESOME
I might be exaggerating a little. He did write me to say I’m officially fat.
It’s good to feel appreciated for my accomplishments.
Mother’s Day is great for people who have moms who don’t suck.
But what about everyone else?
Andy’s Follies #1 – Happy Crappy Mother’s Day is them (us?).